did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize