He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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