I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
