i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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