if you like me you must not know who I am
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
