Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
