ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
