FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
