I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
