she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
