why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
