Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
