maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
