do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
