Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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