dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
