Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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