My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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