If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
