happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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