Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
