break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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