This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
