So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
