I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
