His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I checked into jail on foursquare
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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