Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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