I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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