Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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