I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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