my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
