John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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