Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
