I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
foreskin is a definite game changer
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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