Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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