I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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