Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
