I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
