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My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
