Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My penis needs a shock collar
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens