dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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