I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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