id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
