I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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