I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
