my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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