I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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