I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
