she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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