The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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