Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
