i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
