I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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