i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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