There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
