Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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