dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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