My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
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I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
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I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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