Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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