Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i love accidental penises.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
