he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
