Swine flu is the new snow day.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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